"Get off your moral high horse!" my boss yelled at me.

We were in the middle of a shared workspace. My coworkers heard and saw what happened.

I returned to my office and wrote my resignation letter.

A Single Question Can Save or Lose An Employee

I've reflected on that moment in my career for many years. My boss had just returned from a work trip, and seemingly out of nowhere he was in my face asking questions, but not listening for answers. "I don't have to put up with this" I thought, along with "I'm not giving up my morals!" It was all i could do to sit back at my desk and draft my resignation letter. I got nothing else done that day.

A project we were working on had gone south. $7500 wasted, seemingly because of a mistake made by a vendor. I had called them to trouble shoot, and convinced them their error meant we should get a free replacement. Amazingly they agreed to it! I was proud.

A few days later I was walking through another department and saw them fixing the supposedly "unusable" product. In my head I was shook. "Did I just get used?" "Are we taking advantage of this vendor?" But I knew better than to jump to conclusions. I asked "hey, I thought this was useless? What are we doing with it?" The reply I got was relieving "oh, we're going to use it to do some proof of concept, but it's not going to be resold."

Awesome. Crisis averted.

So imagine my surprise when my boss got back days later and started yelling at me about this short interaction. It's amazing he even knew about my question, because I'd said nothing to anyone else about it, and I thought I was pretty nonchalant about it. I was equally shocked because I actually agreed this was a good use of the failed product. A single question could have revealed our alignment. But instead I'd somehow become a target of this fit of rage.

And upon reflection, no. He wasn't actually yelling at me. But everything feels louder and bigger in those moments.

Alternatives

This was my earliest professional lesson in how negatively a single conversation can impact an employee. But it took many more years to unravel how it could have gone well. Here are some variants which could have taken place:

1. He could have done nothing. Assume positive intent. Assume it will come to his attention if necessary from my end. Fine, but a potential missed opportunity to make sure I was ok, and/or aligned.
2. He could have asked "hey James, I heard you were asking about that failed piece. Is there anything else I can do to add clarity?" This would have been great. We could have dialogued, and left the conversation further aligned

Instead he chose arrogance? Ego? I guess I don't know what he was thinking, but the reality is it didn't matter to me in that moment.

My Outcome

I never turned in my resignation letter. If you know me, I'm big on family and faith. I was praying about it and felt good, but I also called my parents to tell them I might be moving home. My mom was ready for it. My dad was supportive but presented a challenge to me:

"James, you said when you got there that you felt God had a mission for you. Is that mission done?"

"No."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I guess stick it out until I'm done."

I began praying for that boss, and for God to guide the outcomes. I spent a whole additional year there, and a few months later even had that boss apologize and say "I thought you were going to quit that day..." 

Later when I eventually did leave, we were on excellent terms. And to this day he provided me with the best reference letter I've ever received.

I'm blessed to have a father who gently pushed in to my resilience, but I've seen many who don't have that. If I didn't have a sense of a higher calling, I'd have given my two weeks notice and left.

Call to Action

Watch your words AND your tone. The right words said in the wrong way might sink the ship. But the wrong words AND the wrong tone almost certainly will. Find someone close to you--preferably outside of work--and ask them for honest feedback on your tone. It might be brutal, but it will be worth it for you and those you serve.